Why do we love? Our motives for loving can be divided into two categories: (1) “I love you because of…” and (2) “I love you in spite of…” The first we could call merited love and the second merciful love. Merited love is earned and deserved. Merciful love is not. It stems from grace.

Every loving relationship finds its motive in one or the other, or a mix of the two, including marriage relationships. However, before I reveal the 14 words that can fix or upgrade your marriage, let’s first make sure we sufficiently understand merited and merciful love.

I suspect some readers might object to the idea of merited love due to the overabundance of teaching about “God’s unconditional love.” I can imagine them protesting, “The phrase ‘merited love’ is an oxymoron! Love is not something that is earned. At least not in God’s kingdom!”

So we must start by addressing that misconception.

Merited love is biblical. Very biblical.

For example, Jesus said, “For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again” (John 10:17). The Father loves Jesus for a reason, and that reason—at least in part—is because Jesus was willing to lay down His life. That is merited love. Jesus earned it, and He deserved it.

And of course, how could it be said that the Father has any “merciful love” for Jesus? Would the Father ever say of Jesus, “I love Jesus in spite of…”? Of course not. The Father was and is “well pleased” with Jesus (Matt. 3:17).

Similarly, the love that all of us have for Jesus is merited love. We don’t love Him “in spite of,” we love Him “because of.” There are perhaps an infinite number of reasons to love Him!

More Proof

Here’s another proof that merited love is biblical: Speaking to His disciples, Jesus once said, “For the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came forth from the Father” (John 16:27).

The Father loves people because they love Jesus. He is, of course, pleased when people love His Son (which is demonstrated by their obedience to Him; see John 14:15).

So, although God showered merciful love upon us prior to our repentance (and many times since then when we’ve sinned), He not only loves us in spite of what He may see in us that displeases Him (merciful love) but also because of what He sees that pleases Him (merited love). I’m concerned that the idea of merited love from God is completely off the spiritual radar of many Christians—again, due to an overemphasis of “God’s unconditional love.”

May I point out that there is a difference between what is often referred to as “God’s unconditional love” and what I am referring to as merciful love. The truth is, God doesn’t love anyone unconditionally. If He did, such an “unconditionally loved” person would not need to repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ to be saved and escape damnation. Yes, God extends merciful love towards unrepentant sinners, but even that is temporary, lasting only until death.

To explain this further, if someone said to you, “I love you unconditionally, but if you don’t change, I will no longer love you,” you would rightly reply, “Then you don’t really love me unconditionally.” Obviously, God does not love people unconditionally, because He doesn’t love those whom He has cast into hell, as they didn’t meet His conditions.

But back to the concept of merited love. If you are a parent, isn’t your love for your own children a mix of both merited and merciful love? Chances are, you love your children because of things about them that please you. But they aren’t perfect, and they don’t always please you. Yet you still love them, mercifully, “in spite of.”

Here’s yet another passage of Scripture that teaches us that merited love is not foreign to Jesus’ relationship with believers:

Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love (John 15:9-10, emphasis added).

Clearly, and in spite of all the contrary teaching that is so prevalent within Christendom, there is something we must do to “abide” in Jesus’ love, and that is to keep His commandments. Although it sounds like heresy to the unbalanced “hyper-grace” crowd, the fact is, there are things we can do to please God. The foremost ambition of those who are truly born again is to please God through their obedience:

Therefore also we have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him (2 Cor. 5:9; see also Eph. 5:10; Col. 1:10; 1 Thes. 2:4, 4:1; Heb. 13:16, 21; 1 John 3:22).

Having a relationship with God necessitates some merited love. Again, I realize that sounds like heresy to the hyper-grace crowd, but it is irrefutable biblical truth.

Just to make sure there is no misunderstanding, I am not saying that God does not also love His children with a merciful love. Of course He loves us “in spite of” our imperfections. But which kind of love would you prefer that God had for you? Would you prefer to be tolerated, or esteemed, by Him? Would you rather Him say of you: “Your life grieves me, and there is nothing about you that is admirable or praiseworthy, but I love you anyways” or, “I am well-pleased with you, and I have a list of reasons why I love you”?

The Key to a Strong Marriage

All of this being so, we see that merited love is not an inferior love in the least. While merciful love might be the most praiseworthy love to give, merited love is the most praiseworthy love to gain. All of us would prefer that others love us “because of” rather than “in spite of.” And hopefully, this brief consideration of the biblical (and experiential) validity of merited love will now allow me to tie the concept to the 14 words that can fix or upgrade any marriage.

Early on, marriages typically are based on a large percentage of merited love. Engaged couples are often heard to passionately say, “Oh, I love him/her because…!” After a few years, however, married couples are more likely to say, with a sigh, “I love him/her even though…” And that is a very telling revelation.

Of course, when you marry someone, you really don’t know that person as well as you will. Most of us tend to put our best foot forward during the dating/courting/engagement period. Plus, “love is blind.” But sooner or later everyone’s dark side surfaces, and marriage opens blind eyes. If the marriage is to survive, merciful love must make its entrance.

The simple truth is that all marriages, from day one, are a mixture of merited and merciful love. I’ve noticed, however, that marriages that depend heavily on merciful love are marriages that are in trouble. They range from “bland marriages” to “combat marriages” to “truce marriages.” Life anywhere within that spectrum is no fun, and what a tragedy such marriages are in light of God’s magnificent intention for life’s most intimate human relationship.

Good marriages are enjoyed by couples who aren’t depending on large volumes of merciful love to keep them together. Rather, they understand that merited love keeps marriages strong, healthy, and fun. In fact, as the years go by, and as marriage partners work to give their spouses more reasons to say “I love you because of…”, their marriages become increasingly more rich and rewarding.

However, when a husband or wife effectively says to his or her spouse, “You be the Christian and show me merciful love while I focus on other priorities besides pleasing you,” that can signal the beginning of the end, at least emotionally, for that relationship.

Pity the poor Christian couple in which one or both think their marriage will make it on “unconditional love.” Pity them even more when one or both actually think that is how God designed marriage, as one yells at the other, “God loves me unconditionally, and if you love me, so would you! So stop telling me what I need to change!”

The marriage partner who does not care about pleasing his or her spouse, and who expects merciful love without any effort to gain merited love sends a clear message: “I expect you to love me, but don’t expect me to love you!” And that is pure hypocrisy. Such a relationship is far from the mutually-beneficial bond God intended for husbands and wives. Rather, it reveals a relationship that is analogous to a parasite and its host.

The 14 Words

So in light of all this, what are the 14 words that can fix or upgrade your marriage? They are 14 words that comprise a question to ask your spouse every morning:

What can I do today to let you know that I really love you?

When you hear the answer, simply do what your spouse says. And earn some merited love!

Don’t wait for your spouse to ask you that question! Just start asking your spouse that question every morning, and even if you are married to Frankenstein or the Wicked Witch of the West, you can be assured that, before long, your spouse will catch on and start asking the same question of you. Then tell him or her how to gain some merited love!

If you don’t think you are quite ready for a daily question, here’s another 14-word question that can be used with less frequency and that can also begin to fix or upgrade your marriage:

If there was one thing you could change about me, what would it be?

Once you know what it is (and as long as it doesn’t require you to disobey God), get to work on it. Show your spouse how much you love him or her by changing. Your spouse will appreciate it, naturally, and you will begin to reap what you’ve sown.

Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? It is! And those two questions can not only fix or upgrade your marriage, they can fix or upgrade your relationship with anyone, including God!

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How do you get yourself a good woman, or a good man? Today’s questions are very practical and important. If you’re single and you desire to be married, the person that you do marry has got to be one of the most important decisions of your life.

Marriage is not something that you’ll want to enter into without a lot of forethought and some counsel when so many marriages wind up in divorce. Think about it. All those people start off with the best intentions, believing that they were going to enjoy the rest of their lives together. But they were blindsided by something they didn’t anticipate. Those who are single and who would like to get married need to proceed with caution.

The Best Way to Attract the Right Person

Now, how do you find yourself a good person, a good woman or a good man, who would make a great lifelong partner? Well, that’s a great question. And I think that I’d like to first say that rather than looking for the right person, I would suggest being the right person. Because if you want to attract somebody who’s a great potential spouse, the best bait that you could put out there to attract that kind of person is being a great person yourself.

You should ask yourself, how are you doing in your other relationships? We all have relationships. If you don’t have any relationships with other people on any level and you’re like a hermit, well, maybe you should postpone thinking about getting married if you’re not getting along too well with other people.

All the relationships that you have prior to marriage could be considered as training ground for the ultimate relationship of having a husband or having a wife or being a husband or being wife.

You’re not getting along with your college roommate, and you’re at each other’s throats? Well, see what you can learn and see what you can do to fix and repair and make that relationship work.

Preparing for the Challenge of Marriage

I can assure you, as a person who’s been married for 38 years, as a former pastor who’s counseled all kinds of people who are having trouble in their marriage, that every marriage is challenged. Because when you put two people together and one’s a male and one’s a female, oh my goodness, there are going to be some times of stretching, some times of potential conflict, and some times of potential growth as people.

In fact, I just feel like marriage is almost one of those divine conspiracies by the Lord to help us to grow spiritually. Anytime someone says “I do” in holy matrimony, it’s almost like God is up in heaven rubbing His hands together saying, “Now, it’s going to get good! Because I’m going to bring out Christ in these people because they’re going to have to deny themselves. They’re going to have to grow up spiritually. Then I’m going to give them kids, and that’s going to really add to the mix, and we’ll work on their patience and everything else. They’ll learn all kinds of things about each other, and they’ll learn things about Me.”

Marriage is just a wonderful lifetime experience that has a lot of blessings, but it doesn’t mean that the road doesn’t get bumpy at times.

Developing Your Character

To find the right person, start by working on being the right person and making yourself attractive in every way that you can. Of course, most importantly would be your character that you have.

I’m speaking to Christians now who want to find a godly spouse. You need to be what you hope your spouse will be and work on your own relationship with the Lord and your own character so that you’ll attract someone of similar godliness and character.

Then once you feel like you’re mature enough and ready enough because of your success in other relationships.

Seeking and Finding

Scripture says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). And Jesus said, “Seek, and you shall find” (Matthew 7:7).

I would encourage you to, yes, pray, to ask the Lord, but also to put some legs on those prayers, as I heard an old Pentecostal preacher say once.

Seek, and you shall find. He that finds a wife finds a good thing. That implies that you have to get out there and look.

You’ve got to put your periscope up and utilize the means to go and be where the fish are biting. Pardon my expression, but you’re not going to find a good wife in a dark and dirty place! You need to look in the right places, and you need to go where there is more likelihood that there’s going to be good women and good men. Naturally, good women and good men aren’t found in bad places, so look in good places.

Taking Advantage of Modern Technology

One of the wonderful things about modern technology are these matchmaking sites where you can put in all these things about yourself and what you’re looking for, and they try to match you up with people of some degree of compatibility. It gives you a low-risk way to weed through a lot of people that otherwise aren’t worth your time to find those gems.

I have seen lots of people who have used that technology, those websites. It costs a little bit of money, but it pays off. For example, I know some people who, in their questionnaire, when they’re filling out the web forms, they’re asked a question. “What’s the one thing that you cannot possibly live without?” Those folks put in there, “I don’t want you to match me with anybody who doesn’t put Jesus in that line right there.”

Well, that just weeds out all kinds of people right off the bat. “I’m looking for a solid follower of Jesus Christ,” and you can weed them out a lot quicker that way than by going to church and dating people and finally getting around to asking them those important questions.

Closing Advice

Then once you think you found that special person, get counsel and read some of those books that are out there on things to talk about before you get married. It’s a lot easier to break up before you get married than after you get married. In fact, you just don’t want that to happen at all, because it’s harmful and hurtful on a lot of levels, and it’s sin.

This is a Little Lesson. Hope I helped you. Thanks so much! God bless.

The post How Do You Get Yourself a Good Woman, or a Good Man? appeared first on David Servant.