What are the most important principles for good parenting?

Of course, number one is you’ve got to be a Christian yourself. If Jesus is not your Lord, don’t expect your kids to grow up and serve the Lord. If you’re lukewarm and half-hearted, and Jesus is kind of like a hobby that you dabble in every once in a while, guess what? Your kids are going to be just like you.

First thing is, to look at your own life, and make sure that you are serving the Lord, with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and Jesus is the center, that you’re very excited about the things of God, and His word, and serving, and following Him, so that your kids every day see what a Christian really looks like.

Then, along with that, as I said, in a previous lesson, don’t be a weirdo, bizarre, nut-head Christian, who follows some goofy little cult, or cult-like teaching, that just some tiny little minority is following your rules, and they’re so proud ’cause not only they have the truth. Oh, my goodness. I’m so sick of those people. Those people who are parts of little groups, tiny little minorities, and actually proud. They think their minority status is an indication that they’re right. Oh, my goodness. As if nobody else in the world ever had a brain, or had read the Bible. So, we don’t have to listen to any of those people. Our little group, we found out the truth.

Well, your kids are probably smarter than you, and they’re gonna run like crazy, as soon as they get the chance. So, don’t be a weirdo, and teach your kids by precept as well, in the Bible, every single day, or most days that you possibly can, and again, this is a part of the bigger picture too, because if the only time you talk about the Bible, as any relevancy, is at bedtime during the devotions, and there’s no other application about the Bible and the Word of God throughout the day, that’s not so good, right?

So, you want all of it. God said to the people of Israel, “Put my word on your doorpost, and talk about it when you’re walking with your children on the way, and so forth.” So, what He was saying is the fabric of your life, ought to be, the Word of God is woven into every single aspect. There are situations that we all face, practically every moment. That may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but throughout every single day, a lot of times, when we have to make a decision. Am I gonna follow God, or am I not gonna follow God? Am I gonna apply live biblical principles, or am I not gonna apply?

So, every time you face those things, it’s an opportunity to teach your kids about why you’re doing what you’re doing. Bring the Word in to your life, and meditate on it. Like the Bible says, “Meditating on it day and night.” Talking about, that’s part of the meditation process. It coming out of your mouth. If you need help, which I don’t really think everyone needs that much help, but I did actually write a devotional for Christian families. It’s called, Family Style Devotions, and if you look for it on dsstaging.stratira.ai, you can subscribe.

You can buy the book. We have it in a book form, so you can actually buy it, but honestly, why do that, when you can get it for free? Download it into your inbox by email.

Then, I have a couple of questions. It can be a spring board for a discussion, there in that devotional, and there on a kind of a kid level. Not really so much on a teenage level, but you can adapt them, but more for a kid level. So, that could be a help to you.

Then, one other thing that I wanted to add, that I haven’t said in this little four-part series on Christian parenting is, don’t make the mistake that most Christian parents make by relying completely on the church, to do the job of inculcating biblical truth, into your children’s lives, ’cause that’s been a proven losing strategy, because the large majority, this has been proven by studies, the large majority of kids who grow up in evangelical households, who go to church every week and so forth, and go through the youth programs, and go through all that stuff, when they leave the nest, the large majority turn their backs on Christianity and the church, and that’s the end. So, that doesn’t work.

I’ll tell you one reason it doesn’t work, is because we’ve got this consumer Christianity these days, and people church shop until they can find something that they like, and as they drive home from the church they just tested, they inevitably ask their kids, “Kids, how did you like the Sunday school?” “Oh, we loved it. It was so much fun.” And then, Mom and Dad say, “Great. This is a great church, ’cause my kids like this church.”

Well, they never asked, “Did you learn anything at all, from the Bible? Are you being challenged, to follow Jesus Christ, as your Lord, being his Disciple, or is it all just about your social relationships, and having fun, and being cool, and doing all these fun activities?” Right? Right. Churches that are leading people down the road of that lie, I’m telling you, I feel so sorry for those churches. When they’re sending a message, “Hey, just drop your kids off here, and leave the driving to us. We’ll make sure that they love Jesus.” Oh, my goodness. What a deception that is.

Taking your kids to church for one, or a couple hours a week, is basically, amounts to very little, and they need a lot more than that. So, don’t think, “Oh, if I just take my kids to church, and they go through all the Sunday school, and they go to youth programs, they’re gonna serve the Lord when they get older.” No. Chances are they won’t, serve the Lord. That’s what statistically, has been proven. So, you, Mom, Dad, have to put in the effort, and again, I take my hat off to every single parent, who is prioritizing that in their lives, and the family comes first, before everything else, except your own personal relationship with Jesus, which of course, raising your children, and the nurture, in the abolition of the Lord, is part of serving the Lord Jesus. So, you can’t separate those two things.

So, those are a few of the principles that I wanted to cover in successfully raising your children, and is there an absolute guarantee that if you do all the right things, that your kids will absolutely serve the Lord as adults? Absolutely not. I’m sorry to tell you, and you can say, “Well, I thought the Bible said, train up a child, in the way he should go; And when he is old, he won’t depart.” Yeah, it does say that, but the Bible has a lot more to say, about people being free moral agents, and people who are raised by great parents, who went the wrong way. People who were raised by bad parents, who went the right way, and so forth.

So, you do your best, but the final analysis, you influence all you can, but still, your kids can make their own choice. So, they can make the wrong choice, and that doesn’t mean there’s no hope. I’m gonna talk about our next little lesson, about what to do if you’ve got a prodigal child. Hope to see you then. God bless you.

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In our last Little Lesson, we were talking about how to prevent or stop your child from being a brat. I thought it would be good to continue on this same theme because the principles are the same when it comes to figuring out how to get your little child to sleep all through the night. It comes down to reinforcement.

My wife and I have had three children, and we succeeded in getting them to sleep all the way through the night pretty early on. So I’m going to share my secret with you so that you can also enjoy a good night’s sleep. All right?

All right. So what happens? You bring those little babies home and, boy, are they cute. But they want to be fed every so many hours, and it doesn’t fit into your sleep schedule at all. And so they wake up crying in the middle of the night.

They want to be fed, and if you’re nursing your baby then, generally, Mom has to get up and take care of that. Although we all know there are ways around that for dads to get involved. But who wants to be doing that for months and months and months? Not me. And the more kids you have, the more you love to sleep through the night. So what do you have to do?

The Principle of Reinforcement

Well, you’ve got to use the principle of reinforcement.

You and your spouse will have to agree on this. You have to be determined that your child will not die if they go through the night without being fed, which is pretty early on. And I’m not gonna give you any number here, because I don’t wanna sound dogmatic.

But goodness, I have known parents who are waking up in the middle of the night to take care of their kids when they’re two years old, because they’ve just gotten into the habit. The kid is on that kind of a sleep cycle. They may not even want to be fed any longer, but they’re just waking up because they’re used to that. And they’re crying, and, again, they’re trying to ruin your life!

So you’ve decided that it’s not that long after your child is born that they’re not going to survive a night without eating. So they wake up in the middle of the night. You hear them crying. You and your spouse have already agreed that tonight is the first night you’re not going to feed your child.

And you lay there, and those little babies cry, and they try to break your heart. Oh my goodness, are they good at that! They scream louder, and it becomes more desperate. And if they could speak your language, they’d be saying, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you love me? You’re not worthy to be parents if you’re going to allow me to be in this state of hunger in the middle of the night!” That’s what they’d be saying. That’s what they’re thinking, obviously.

Sticking it Out

You have to grab your spouse’s hand and say, “We decided we’re not going to feed them tonight.” And you lie there.

But here’s the test. If after 15 minutes one of you says, “I just can’t take it any longer! I’ve got to go feed that baby! That baby’s breaking my heart!” And you go in and then you feed that baby. You know what you just taught them? If you want to be fed, just scream for 15 minutes. That’s all it takes.

And that little baby has just figured that out. “Okay, now I know what I’ll do tomorrow night!” So you’ve just made your job that much harder. You’ve reinforced negative behavior. So what do you have to do? You’ve got to be tough.

Why God Made Parents Bigger Than Children

This is one reason that God made parents bigger than their children. Look in the mirror and see how big you are compared to your children and realize, “I’m bigger. I’ve got a competitive advantage over this little person. There’s no way that it’s God’s will for this little tiny child to ruin my life!” (And we talked in our previous Little Lesson about children ruining your life in the daytime!)

So if you survive that first night, your child might cry for a half hour, but eventually they’ll fall back asleep because they just tire themselves out. And in the morning when you go in there, they’re not dead! They’re still alive. They made it.

And you can feel good that you had a night where you got a little victory. And that’s a promise of better things to come.

Getting Victory

The second night—the next night—they will wake up again. This time the crying might be as long, but chances are it’s going to be shorter in duration. It’s getting a little bit easier.

So the first night is the most difficult. I think the second night is the second most difficult. And then the third night, they’re going to wake up, they’re going to cry, but they’re not going to go as long this time.

And I can’t tell you how many nights it’s going to take. For our kids, I don’t remember it being more than five nights or so. It all depends on how strong-willed the child is and what you’ve reinforced with them already.

When our kids were born, we learned to tell them, “We were here first! We already had a family before you showed up. Now, we love you, but you are not going to ruin our lives!”

And we knew that was best for us, but also best for the kids too. They need to know that they’re a part of an already existing family, and they are not the king. No, they’re not the king. Mom and Dad are the king and the queen. Okay?

A Happy, Sleeping Child

All right. It might be three, it might be four, it might be five or more nights, but the night will happen when your child won’t wake up. Because waking up hasn’t been reinforced. Waking up has not been rewarded with milk. And if there’s no reward for waking up and crying, there’s no sense waking up and crying.

And your child sleeps all through the night. And you wake up that morning, and you go, “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! What just happened? We didn’t wake up! There was no crying.” And your first thought, of course, is, “My baby has died!”

And you rush in to make sure that that baby is still alive. And lo and behold, that baby is still alive! And voila, you have just succeeded. And you’ve learned a great principle that will pay rich dividends in your relationship with that child all the way to when they leave the nest: Reinforce behavior that you want to recur. Don’t reinforce behavior that you don’t want to recur. Okay?

All right. Thanks so much for joining me on this Little Lesson!

The post How Can You Get Your Little Child to Sleep the Entire Night and Not Wake You Up? appeared first on David Servant.

Wow, it is no easy task raising children! I’ve had the blessing of raising three. They’re all grown and married and they’re raising their own children today. As I watch them, I just think to myself, “Oh my goodness! That takes so much work and effort. Did I actually do that?” Because now as a grandfather, I don’t have what it takes any longer. I can love them and leave them and that’s about the extent of it.

But when you’re raising kids, you have the stamina. At least you hope you do. And they can be a huge challenge. They’re cute, they’re fun, but they can be demons if you let them, because they come built-in with the potential to absolutely ruin your life.

I see poor moms and dads, for example, in grocery stores, dealing with little children who are not that big but are throwing temper tantrums and screaming and making their parents’ lives just completely miserable. And those poor moms and dads, who are so embarrassed, hate even to go out in public with their kids because their kids are clearly the ones who are in charge.

Preventing or Stopping Your Child From Being a Brat

So how can you prevent that from happening? If it is happening to you, how can you put an end to it? I’m happy to tell you that I’ve got the answer that you’re looking for.

Proverbs 22:6 says that we should train up our children in the way that they should go, and when they’re old, they will not depart from it.

The key word in that verse is the word train. It reminds me of training a dog, for example. Or training any animal to do what you want that animal to do. And how do you do that? You do that by positive and by negative reinforcements. Of course the positive ones are much more fun than the negative ones.

Training Your Child with Positive and Negative Reinforcements

Whether parents realize it or not, they’re already doing this, but they’re probably having it work against them. They’re doing it the wrong way if their kids are brats or if their kids are controlling their lives and making their lives miserable.

Why do I say that? Here’s a prime example. Consider a little child who throws a temper tantrum and screams. And Mom says, “Stop that! You’re not going to get what you want.” But the child just screams louder and throws more of a tantrum. Depending on how much patience Mom has, she finally gives in. Unfortunately the more patience she has, the worse this is going to work against her.

If she lets that kid scream for three minutes and throw a temper tantrum for three minutes, guess what? If you give in after three minutes, you just taught your child that if you want something, all you have to do is scream for three minutes.

So kids learn that. They think, “I want what I want. Whatever it takes to get it, I’m going to get it. You’ve reinforced my negative behavior by giving me what I wanted when I demonstrate this negative behavior in the past and I’m going to repeat that.”

How to Respond to a Temper Tantrum

Here’s what you should do in these cases. When your child throws a temper tantrum, just completely ignore the child. If you can, walk out of the room safely. And as you do, say, “I can’t see you and I can’t hear you when you do that,” and walk out. And determine that no matter what that kid does, you’re not going to reinforce that negative behavior.

It’s really a funny thing when kids think that they can manipulate parents by holding their breath. I love that one! You have biology on your side. And hopefully you have a bigger brain than that child, and you would never be fooled by that child holding their breath as if they’re going to hold their breath until they faint and die. Their body won’t let them do that, so just look at them, smile and say, “Okay, hold your breath. You’re not going to get what you want because that’s not how this family operates.”

Ignoring that negative behavior squelches it. Kids learn pretty fast that if it doesn’t get the desired results, then there’s no sense wasting their time doing it.

How to Use Positive Incentives with Your Child

Then of course, you can use the very positive incentives. When they train the dolphins at Sea World, you notice every time that they do a flip, they come up to the surface and they give them a little bit of food.

I’m not advocating that you should withhold food from your kids, or necessarily reward them with food, because that can create a negative cycle in their life when they’re always associating good behavior with food.

But still, positive reinforcements, like praise, are effective. Everybody likes to be complimented and encouraged and praised. You can’t ever get enough of that. When your kids do right, make sure you tell them how proud you are of them and give them those hugs and kisses and reward them in any way that you can. That’s reinforcing positive behavior. Ignore the negative and reinforce the positive.

“ Whenever your kids do right, make sure you tell them how proud you are of them. —DAVID SERVANT

The Danger of Distant Rewards

There’s one thing you have to be careful of if you’ve got a rewards program going. And that is setting rewards too far out into the future.

Better to say, “If you keep your room clean, we’re going to keep track of that. And you do it seven days in a row, then there will be some positive reward.”

You can’t set the reward too far out into the future, because kids aren’t oriented way toward the future. They’re pretty much living in the here and now.

So if you say, “Well, if you’re good all through August, when it comes to Christmastime, we’re going to get you that new whatever,” kids can’t operate under that kind of incentive program as maybe adults can, thinking in a longer-term reward program.

Objections to the Rewards Mindset

Some people object to the whole rewards thing because they think it’s bribery. No, it’s not bribery. Bribery really is an enticement by giving an incentive to do evil.

Offering rewards is really imitating the Lord. He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). Nothing wrong with imitating Him on that! I’m so glad that the Lord gives us positive incentives to do what He wants us to do.

Of course, He also disciplines those whom he loves, and that’s a whole other side of it.

“ The only time you should punish your child is for defiance, not childish irresponsibility. —DAVID SERVANT

The only time you want to discipline your child, that is punish your child, is for defiance, not for childish irresponsibility and so forth. But when your child crosses the line that they clearly understand that they shouldn’t have crossed, testing to see if you will keep your word and, as you promised, punish them, you’d better follow through. That’s a real key. Be consistent. Be consistent.

We’re out of time. Thanks so much for joining me. Hope to see you next time on Little Lessons.

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